Right on cue my mom once again blindsided me when I was in such a happy mood. I was so happy to see my family together. I was in such a fantastic mood. I was happy to be home.
But she had to do it on the car ride home. It’s like she takes pleasure in making me so upset when I’m in a good mood. It only took a few minutes when she straight up told me she wanted the car back because she couldn’t tolerate driving my dad’s car or asking people for rides to places. Apparently it makes her a child and she doesn’t want that. But this was never about the car. This was about me not coming home every weekend so she could go out. She still doesn’t get it. I left because of her.
I was so furious because she made it all about her. She yelled at me because I didn’t understand the sacrifices she was making for this family. But what about me? What about my sacrifices? I gave up going to university because we wouldn’t afford it. And all this time I’ve been paying for my education out of my own pocket. Not a single penny of my parent’s money pays for my college. It’s all me. During the time at SMC, I sacrificed my free time to run your errands and be your servant. I did everything you wanted and in that, I lost my social life. I can’t even make any friends never of you. I’ve loaned you $4000 when you were in a crisis. I gave up my life for you. Does that not count?
But I’m the selfish one. The ungrateful one. I asked them for one thing. Only one. Never, since I was a kid, did I ask them for things. I stopped because I knew they couldn’t afford it and so I learned that if I wanted something, I had to work for it and get it myself. And that’s how I’ve been living. So when I moved out, I felt like maybe I deserved something and it was something I needed but couldn’t afford since all my money was going to college. I asked for a car. Not a brand new one, but a reasonably priced one that could get me from point A to B.
But in the end the only thing they could do was give me the Honda. They assured me they could survive off one car and this was mine. My car. Two months later, my mom wants her car back. She wants her servant back. Me. Her first suggestion was that we switch every two weeks. I don’t know my schedule. It changes every week. I can’t be going home so often because I get behind in school work. And I want a social life. And I won’t get that if I’m going home so often.
I told her it wasn’t possible. The deal was all or nothing. I get a car or I don’t. So I told her she could keep her car and I’d buy myself a car. I don’t have the money, but I need a car. I was furious. Like white rage fury. First of all don’t blind side me like that when I’m in a happy mood. It fucks with my head. Secondly, this was the one and only thing I asked for. I felt hurt and betrayed. If you couldn’t afford a car or didn’t want to give me one, I could have figured stuff out months ago and bought myself a car. I would have found a way, after all I found a way to pay for college. But now I’m stuck with finding a car in less than three days, during a major holiday. Fuck you. (She said that I’d have to leave the car this weekend because she “needed it.”)
So when we got home, I ignored my dad and went straight to the computer and searched for cars on Craigslist. I was in rage mode to the point where I couldn’t speak and felt like I was about to break down and cry in front of my parents, something I haven’t done in years. This wasn’t about the car. This was about my mom constantly treating me like shit for years and never making me feel like her child. She does this constantly and it’s getting to me. All she does is take from me and suck me dry. I honest to god feel like she takes pleasure in saying hostile things to/about me and just killing my mood. She’s poison in my life. She’s the reason why I have constant migraines here, why I’m so depressed most of the time. No person should ever feel angry and pissed off after talking to their mom on the phone. But I always do. It puts me in a foul mood. All of this was her attempt in me coming home to relieve her of her duties. She can’t stand that I’m happy and can do as I please. I’m not allowed to have a life. If she can’t have one, then why should I?
So while in my fury, I managed to tell my dad what’s up and that I would buy myself a car. I couldn’t take the stress my mother was giving her. It’s like fighting with a child for a toy. You eventually give up and let the fucker have it. If she wanted the car, she could have it. But there was no way in hell she was having me. I’m free. My dad was pissed off at my mom for doing this to me, especially since I just got home. He tried telling me to not worry about it and that the car was mine and to ignore her. But my stubborn ass kept looking. The bitch went to bed and after a while my dad stopped telling me to calm down and let me look, which in essence helped calm me down.
And then I turned around and we talked. Usually I keep mum and let my dad go on and never speak up. But I did. And for the first time my dad heard me out. We talked and communicated. And by doing so, I understood all that he’s going through and that he’s got a lot on his plate to deal with. Right now, replacing his clunker isn’t financially smart for us. He has a plan. And it makes complete sense. And he agreed that while we wait out for his plans to go through, the least he could do was fix up the little things in his car. I fully support his plans and reasons for waiting. It makes perfect sense and he’s putting priority in other places that need it.
I calmed down. I felt this strange bond occurring between me and my dad, one that hasn’t been there since I was a little girl. I finally understood him. Everything he does isnt for himself. He hasn’t done anything for himself in years. He does it for us. His family. He puts us first. And those ten years of anger and resentment and teenage rebellion melted. I gave my dad a hug for the first time in ten years and I did it because I wanted to. I realized that no matter what, he has my back and always supports me.
I feel like I’ve got my dad back. We were so close when I was a kid. I was daddy’s little princess. It feels good to have one parent who truly loves you. For the longest time, I felt like I had neither parent. Sure, we will have our differences and he will do or say things to make me mad or whatever. But I’m willing to work with him to resolve our issues. My mom is a whole other story. She puts herself and her needs first. I can’t ever fix things with her. She thinks she’s always in the right and always plays the “because I didn’t finish high school, I’m always dumb and wrong” card. Every time. She never listens to anyone. She doesn’t know how to be a mom, nor does she even try to learn. I’m done. I could live the rest of my life without ever talking to her again. I don’t need her.
I’m just all shaken up by the constant flux of my mood today. My head is all jumbled up. I just need to sleep and forget about all the bad. Tomorrow is a new day with fun activities. I refuse to let anyone spoil my mood this weekend.