Thoughts for the thoughtless

She pissed me off by accusing me of being a bad friend by not sticking up for her in her retarded ass drama that I got dragged into yesterday.

First of all I shouldn’t have to defend you because that makes me more involved when I don’t want to be. Secondly, why would I defend someone who dragged me into drama I’m not a part of? Especially the person you want me to fight against, is apologising to me and feels bad that I’m being dragged into this.

It’s not my job to defend people when they’re having problems with others that has nothing to do with me. Why should I butt in and put my two cents in? She doesn’t have any right to be mad at me and tell me that I should have defended her.

And she doesn’t appreciate all that I’m doing. I’m going against my friends and begging them to let her stay with us during edc because she doesn’t have a place to stay. They have problems with her and don’t like her but they’re willing to deal with it. And that says a lot. I’m putting my friendship at risk. If she fucks up, my friends will get pissed at me for going out for her like this.

Despite all that, I’m a bad friend for not sticking up for her and fighting her battles. I’m done with this shit. If she can’t learn to grow up, I don’t want to live with her. I’m ready to move out elsewhere. I only did it now because I needed roommates to afford the rent. But I don’t want to deal with her bullshit if she’s going to act like an immature kid and I won’t put up with it.

I’m just so sick of drama and I am not afraid of cutting people out who create it. For once I would like to wake up in a good mood and not be bombarded by texts from various people with various drama.

To quote a wise person, when you’re having problems with someone and you want to drag me in that immature drama, “I don’t ever want to hear my name in your mouth.”

Fuck people. Today I thought was my one day to be in a good and relaxed mood. But now my anger is set off and ugh, I could slap a bitch right now. Do I have to fucking move into a covenant to escape drama I am not part of and don’t want to be a part of?

Don’t be immature. And don’t be a fucking hypocrite. And leave me the fuck alone! God Dammit, do I have to turn off my phone from now on?

I got this long apology text from a friend I don’t really see or talk to stating that she’s sorry if she came off as rude or unsympathetic and I’m just so confused until I asked my other friend who was having trouble with her.

Turns out Tina thought it’d be fun to drag me into her problems and said something that got lost in translation, leading this poor girl to think I’m mad at her over something so trivial that occurred weeks ago. And I’m just so pissed off because what the fuck? It’s not my problem, I’m not having issues with them. Why does my name have to be brought up? Your fight is with them.

Jesus fucking Christ, why the fuck is everyone acting like a god damn high schooler. “Well so and so is pissed off at you too!” First of all no I’m not. Secondly, I have nothing to do with whatever blow out that occurred. Third, if you think dragging other people into it will make things better, you’re an idiot and you need to grow up.

I already have so much bull crap going on with other people who are dragging me into their drama. I don’t need to be a part of yours. Just because it’s two against one, does not mean you can drag me into this shit to “even out the playing field.”

Idiots.

Asked the professor teaching the class I need over summer whether or not it makes a difference between the first and second edition of the book. Not down to pay $200 for a book that’s only going to be used for only 6 weeks, and since its a new edition, there aren’t any old ones.

The professor was a complete douche and basically told me to make my own judgment when purchasing the book and to use the book on reserve at the library to help make my decision.

You’re the god damn professor. You’re teaching the class. Does the first or second edition matter? You should be able to answer that if you plan on following the book.

I’m not going to bother buying the book. I don’t have $200 for a 6 week class.

Everything they do is so dull and mundane. There’s no excitement or anything interesting. I never understood how people could be so passive in regards to their own life. 

It sounds like a terrible thing, but why carry on a relationship with someone you don’t like being around because their personality stinks? One look at this person and the word BORING screams in your mind. I’ve been told by many the same thing: Why stick out with such a person? Even a stranger took one look at us and told me he doesn’t see us being friends in five years. And those words have stuck ever since. He told me I had passion, a spark and I shouldn’t let someone so dull with no zest for life hold me back from my potential. 

I know it’s not my job to take care of helpless people, but I just feel bad. *sigh*  But you shouldn’t be friends with people because you feel obligated and guilty. 

You find all of these knick knacks and just random crap you’re not sure what to do with or where it should be placed in.

I’ve been making really good progress and got my bedroom, hallway closet, and bathroom cleared out. Tomorrow is the kitchen. I’ve been doing one room at a time because I can’t do it all in one day like my other friends. After a few hours my body just quits.

I’m glad I have till the 30th to fully move out. When I get back from edc, I want to do my laundry and clean up my room and pick up little things I don’t need right away. I have time. I’m just going to be exhausted from Thursday to Tuesday. No sleep for me.

But on a good note, I start work July 2nd! Life is good. For the most part.

“You got a part time job working retail? Why didn’t you apply to jobs related to your degree?”

You think I didn’t contemplate that? I can’t apply to these jobs until my degree is complete. And it won’t be till September. I’m not going to apply only to have them find out I don’t have it yet. This stupid class I need isn’t being offered till the end of summer. It’s not going to take all summer for them to give me and interview and check my degree status.

Everyone expects me to automatically know what I’m going to do next and already have a set plan. We are not allowed to not know. I hate it and that’s why I don’t like spending time with my family. Every conversation has to do with what I’m doing and what are my future plans. It’s frustrating and makes me panic more.

I’m sorry, but my generation is a lot more confused and uncertain about their life plans. Just because you had it figured out doesn’t mean I did. And I bet you that they all didn’t know what they wanted to do. They’re just not willing to admit they didn’t know.

I just hate this pressure put on my head. It makes it hard to breathe.

I was about to unfriend him but he did it first. He seriously has no right to be mad at me. I do because he’s being a stupid douche. Whatever. Can’t help it if people want to be immature babies and take offense to a simple request of not calling me by something that isn’t my name.

My mind still can’t comprehend why it’s considered rude and hurtful to ask someone to not do something you don’t want them to do. I don’t understand why he thinks I “called him out.”

Meh whatever. As of now I don’t care. He’s added to my blocked list because knowing him, I know he’ll try to add me again a few months from now forgetting why we aren’t friends and I don’t deal with that bullshit. And if years from now that fuckface remembers why he deleted me and still holds a grudge, he needs a life. I just don’t tolerate well with immature people like that. I already knew he was immature when I first met him, but now I know to what extent.

But for now, I will carry on with my life and no longer remember his existence.

my sister has been pestering me about picking a date in July to have a graduation party for the both of us. She’s been harping about it being in July for months.

So I eventually told her to make it for the weekend of the 27th/28th and she replies with, “of July?”

No. I meant November. Ugh. If you’ve been asking me to pick a weekend in July, obviously it would be in July. I just want to bang my head against the wall sometimes. I don’t want this party to begin with. I refuse to plan anything beyond inviting friends. Although I’m hesitant because it’ll be a party really for my parents who want to invite their Indian friends and their families and I wouldn’t want my friends to witness such humiliation. We shall see. I would like it to be an American and Indian party combined, but knowing my sister, she would make it a full on Indian themed party.

I’m not looking forward to anything. I want to spend my summer with my friends and working and not cater to my family and their demands. I’ve gotten nothing but phone calls with all of them pestering me to make a promise to visit them and they won’t hang up until I make a promise I know I wouldn’t be able to keep.

It is all so very stupid. And frustrating.

That doesn’t deter me from making something out of myself. Even if I don’t know what it is that I want to do. 

But where’s the justice? Am I supposed to believe eventually they’ll have a downward spiral of self-destruction and OD on drugs before they reach 30? Because it’s not a nice thought to have and I wouldn’t wish that sort of life on anyone. 

I am happy for those who make it out there. But it just sucks that taking the “right way”  isn’t getting me anywhere compared to those who slacked off in high school and didn’t bother with college, and here they are today making damn good money. 

I am annoyed.

Not having a good moment right now. Lost a check for $150 from my grandparents as well as one earring that my parents gave me for my birthday. That are expensive as fuck. With real diamonds. And just ugh.

This is why I don’t like real jewelry. When shit like this happens, I’m not fucked. It’s no big deal if I lose it. I just can’t remember if I put it on before going to my graduation or lost it somewhere between graduation and when I discovered it was missing. But I cleared my bed and don’t see anything nor is it on the floor. Shit.

As for the check, Idk. I’m trying to remember if it was given to me in an envelope. Because I packed up a few cards I had received in the past month and it could be in there. Shit. Not my day as of now. Losing things left and right.

My body is screaming at me to go back to sleep. I am dying to. Dammit to hell, I would much rather have the 6 pm ceremony, heat be damned. How the fuck do they expect girls especially to wake up super early and be ready before 7?

Jesus, if I’m already this grouchy, think of my parents and sister who flew back from Boston late at night and now have to be up. I really hope they bounce. I would much rather sleep than go through the nonsense of showing them my new place and then going out to eat. I won’t make it. Now I’m wondering if we really will go out to eat since my aunt and uncle, who are from India don’t eat any American food whatsoever and I am soooooo not down to go eat at an Indian restaurant in the ghetto at 11 in the morning.

From now till whenever I can, I eagerly anticipate a nap. I regret going to bed past 2 am.

Holy fucking shit. I am graduating from college in a few hours. This is big. This is huge. And I’m so scared that I’m going to trip and fall and this is such a huge thing.

Fuck, why do I have to do the ceremony? I’m freaking out. Transition to the real, “grown up” world. I’m not ready. Am I ready?

How will I afford to pay back my loans? Will I afford rent? Oh god. What’s going to happen to me?